Lessons from Lewis

I’m writing this from my 8 hour a day C.S. Lewis class. It is an excellent class, but there are moments where I understand what he is saying and just can’t bring myself to pay attention, so here I am trying to process all of the information I have taken in over the past 2 days. The part I am intent on sharing with you is that of the life and person of C.S. Lewis. Maybe people know something of the life or theology of Lewis, but few that I have come into contact with realize the extent to which he was honest with his convictions. Lewis was convicted by the truth of God, and this conviction led him to do what he did to his utmost. When he reasoned, he reasoned with all his might. When we wrote, he wrote well. When he prayed, which he did at least twice a day, he would not do so with a clouded mind. He would not wait until just before bed, rather he would pray when he awoke in the morning and when he had finished dinner and his mind was still fresh so that he might pray as effectively as he could. As simple as that is, I find myself convicted by the little things of Lewis’ life. He gave away the majority of his income, he prayed like one who believed in its power, he fasted and strove to do as he ought, and he was honest with his struggles and with the truth of a matter and was more than willing to say what he believed regardless if it was accepted or if he was hated for it. These are all things we say we do but few of us can say we do it as honestly as Lewis. He actually did what he said he would do. That kind of integrity is astounding. I can only pray that I might have the same integrity. I pray that you would pray a similar prayer.

Shall We Accept Good From God And Not Trouble?

I am tired. Seminary is wearing me out. Distance is wearing me out. Being poor is wearing me out. Not having a real church home is wearing me out. Laying in bed this morning and thinking about my latest trials, all I could think of was the words of Job 2:10: "You are speaking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?" The second sentence is the one that stood out in my mind, but the first is important for some context. Job's wife had just told him to "curse God and die" to alleviate his sorrows. I was thinking about yelling at God today, and the analogy that came to me was that cursing or yelling at God is like being angry at the moon and throwing a stick at it. Its not going to get you anywhere. If I really think about it, God has blessed me tremendously, even through the struggles I am now facing and those he has brought me through, and my ability to complain is marginal at best. I eagerly praise God for the times he blesses me and brings me through troubles, but when he takes away what I thought were blessings or fails to bless me as I think he should, can I still praise him? Has he changed, or is it I who have changed? This is a time when I wish the story of Job had continued past his conversation with God. How does one praise God in the midst of trail such as Job. How, when you don't have the divine joy that Paul tells us to have during trials, is one supposed to conjure up feelings of warmth and gladness, not to mention faith that God will provide. I don't know if I have answers to those questions right now. The only answer I can give to myself is to fall on my face in front of God and say exactly what I have just written: God I do not know what your plan is or if you will lift this burden, but I worship you none the less. And, perhaps I have nothing else to say or do except sit silently in heartbroken worship before my God. Perhaps he will restore my heart by showing me that my fears are unnecessary, or perhaps he will simply give me the strength to live with my thorns. Regardless, all I can do either way is live in a state of worship before God. Else, I might not make it too long without a mental breakdown. What more can I say. I will end this with a quote:

Sometimes the Lord rides out the storm with us and other times He calms the restless sea around us. Most of all, He calms the storm inside us in our deepest inner soul.
--Lloyd John Ogilvie

Performance Anxiety

Status anxiety refers to our need to be assured of our status in the eyes of our peers. A status anxiety attack - that panicky feeling that others are looking down at us in contempt or, worse, indifference - may strike at any time, for status anxiety runs like a psychological
fault line through the geology of our sense of self worth. Status anxiety afflicts as many people as the common cold. It is the pernicious fear that we are not living up to the standards of success laid down by our society and that, as a result, that we are on the verge of becoming a nobody. Those who suffer from especially acute cases of status anxiety may feel that they are social
lepers: “Unworthy! unworthy!,” they cry from the cave of their ugly inner child.
Individual Christians and churches too may display
symptoms of status anxiety in the face of a hostile empire, the “empire” not of the ancient Romans but of contemporary global culture (Hardt & Negri, 2000)... It is a terrible thing when one’s sense of identity
“is held captive by the judgments of those we live among” (de Botton, 2004, p. 8)."

(Forming the Performers:
How Christians Can Use Canon Sense to Bring Us to Our (Theodramatic) Senses by Kevin Vanhoozer, 11)

The way God sees is us is the way we truly are. Worldly status is a game of smoke and mirrors. It’s all about appearance, not reality. In asking us to live a life worthy of the gospel, Paul is asking us to live in a way that corresponds to the way things really are.

(ibid., 14)

In a response to this article, Chuck DeGroat describes some effects of status anxiety as being physically shown in clenched fists, tightness in the back or shoulders or basically anywhere, or even headaches.

Now, I posed this because I tend to tell people that they shouldn't care how they are viewed by others... that it'll only cause them more stress in the long run. But after reading this article and actually thinking about it, I think I am among the ranks of people who suffer from status anxiety. Maybe it isn't completely in the way everyone sees me as it is for other people, but I want to do well in school and when I play sports for the way it makes people view and treat me. When I see myself failing it isn't completely a mental issue, but a social one as well. It is not only a "I didn't live up to my standard" but "I didn't live up to their standard, and now what will they think" as well. The more I think about it the more I think this is something that a lot of us have to give up to Christ, myself included. It is difficult to find my (our) worth in something (or someone) that is unseen, but as Vanhoozer says in his article, saying,

"the gospel responds to the problem of status anxiety with status peace. The gospel is the good news that our status
before God is secure, not because of what we have achieved in this life but because of what Jesus Christ did in his." (Vanhoozer, 14).

I pray that one day sooner rather than later I can truly say that my identity is wholly in Christ and my perceived status before others does not matter, rather it is the reality of my status before God that matters.

Some Thoughts on Preaching

I am sitting in my Intro to Preaching class and today I thought I would take notes in essay form for you all to hear. So, if you’re not in the mood for notes on preaching and the Bible, you should probably stop reading. We are now talking about inadequate views of the Bible for preachers. These include a mere tool, a resource, a talisman, a history book, a story book, a launch pad or spring board, and using Scripture as a comfort food or rule book. In essence, Dr. Scharf, our professor, is trying to show that the Bible is much more than all these things, it is the Word of God and it is the source and essence and message from God that is your preaching. We do not need to take a text of Scripture and make it mean something today, it already DOES mean something, we simply need to understand what that is and communicate it to the congregation. The same is true of our devotions. We should not read the Bible for little insights or applications to our lives… but we should read to understand that we might apply our lives to Scripture. Understand? Yeah, its confusing. Sorry about that. It seems like a fine line but in reality there is a huge difference between the two. Is there something wrong with taking Matthew 18:20 to mean that Jesus is with us when we pray together, and thus pray together? Perhaps there is not… but the force of that passage is something totally different. The passage itself tells us how we are to deal others who sin against us (at least, that’s what I’ve gathered from learning from people smarter than me). All that to say, I could pull out a sermon on prayer or be encouraged to pray in groups by that passage, but I would be missing the powerful truth on how we are to deal with relational or discipline problems as Christians! Interesting. Think about that for me. I need to pay better attention to the class that is happening, rather than tangenting on my blog. Oops. Stay sweet.

To Do Lists

I feel like whenever I make a list I feel better, even if I know I won't get everything on it done as quickly as I think I will. Here is my to do list for tomorrow:

1) Read 60 pages in my huge counseling book

2) Translate and parse Col. 1:1-4

3) Read a section in Fee's book on Exegesis

4) Read 40 pages in Greenlee's book on Textual Criticism

5) Memorize Greek vocab occuring 81 or more times in the New Testament

6) Memorize the first set of vocab for Hebrew and learn vowel rules

7) Read the book Dying to Preach (about a 100 pages left)

8) Do Hebrew workbook exercises

Thats all. It feels kinda overwhelming on the page... but it felt even more overwhelming in my head. I know God has called me to be here, but I'm really good at psyching myself out. I get so overwhelmed with homework that I just want to get it all done and never hang out with anyone so I can get the pressure off my shoulders. It's crazy. And this week I got a job at Caribou, so I get to add that to the list, and I might pick up another 5 hours by working on campus writing emails much like this blog post. I tend to over stack my hand so that the cards start to fall on the table. But God is good. I have to remember that. Regardless how much I feel that I fail here or how much I try to take on, as long as I am listening to Him and obeying his voice and seeking Him, it will turn out for His glory, and that is what counts. Now if only I could stop trying to squeeze time with Him in and start squeezing some other things. Yikes. Pray for me dear readers. I know I'm okay, but I know I'll be stressed all semester like it or not. God willing, I'll graduate without popping too many blood vessels due to stress :).

Waiting to be Waiting

I thought that title was kinda witty, considering I'm at a job interview. It would be even wittier if I was interviewing at a restaurant rather than Barns and Noble, but I'll take the wittiness I can get. Brad is interviewing right now. I hope one of us gets the job, we're both really poor. I would like working here I think. I love books and coffee and people and music... what more could a guy ask for? I had my first Greek and Hebrew class today... well right now I've only had Hebrew, and Greek is later (along with preaching), but let's pretend I've had both. It is an interesting feeling when you're learning a new language. I love that Hebrew is still spoken. Knowing that next time I go to Israel I might be able to communicate with the Israeli population is intoxicating. Honestly, as intoxicated as I may be, I am terrified to start this semester. With trying to find a job, then working, and 16 hours of Grad classes, and a girlfriend 4 hours away... I'm afraid I won't be able to juggle everything (with a 3.5 to maintain). I've heard that a lot of my teachers don't even give out A's. How do I maintain a 3.5 without any A's? Yikes. But I know God brought me here and has provided for me thus far and if I trust in Him He will continue to provide. Speaking of provision, everyone should give

Briana Elsik money to help her get to the Focus on the Family Leadership Institute. Seriously, its a good cause, and does provide. Thats all. Stay sweet kids.

What Can You See on the Horizon

I am currently listening to 210 mix, which is one of the greatest collections of music ever made, and the song "Into The West" is playing (from the LOTR Return of the King soundtrack). I actually used some of the lyrics of this song as the title for this entry. What can you see on the horizon? I rarely think about the future. I'm a "live in the present" kind of guy. But lately I've been thinking about what is "on the horizon" for me. I just tweeted how unrealistic most of my expectations are. I guess I never really realized it because I got so lucky most of the time that I didn't have to. Lucky or blessed. Either way, the stark reality of real life is catching up to me. I read Galatians 2 today, and I realized that even Peter, after he was the head of the Jewish church, made mistakes. Thats probably supposed to make me feel better. It doesn't. I often worry about the mistakes on my horizon. I suppose that God can use any mistake for good (love can change the world for example... take that however you'd like). I need to get ready for bed, so I'll have to cut this short, but I just want to make clear that I know God uses our mistakes and hardships in the end, but I'm still afraid to make them... I thought an honest post would be good, I offer answers a little too often sometimes... tonight, the only thing I offer is honesty: I'm afraid to mess up. The end.