Friday, July 23, 2010

Trying to Please

There are some days when I just feel like a failure. I can be writing a sermon and dwelling on it and working out what God is trying to say, and the next second I can go and do exactly what I'm planning on telling others not to do. Its infuriating. Talk about guilt. Ugh, there is nothing more trying than feeling like you're a hypocrite or like you've failed God and others. I know just want to curl up in my bed until its tomorrow and I can try again.

There are also those days when I just feel empty, drained, doubtful, and hopeless. I just kinda feel like a mess.

There are even those days when I feel like God doesn't listen when I talk, or even if He does listen, He doesn't plan on responding any way that I'll be able to understand or appreciate.

Then there are those days when I feel like all of the above.

You know, I was planning on blogging about all this, then finishing it with an encouraging number about how God gives us our identity and freedom, but right now its hard to write. Right now its fine to believe that, but I feel too drained to actually take hold of that privileged. God gives me identity... yeah, but it'll take effort to feel that way tonight, and I don't have the energy. Its nights like tonight when I just pray the Psalms.

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,
that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.

Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
for as many years as we have seen trouble.

May your deeds be shown to your servants,
your splendor to their children.

May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us;
establish the work of our hands for us—
yes, establish the work of our hands.

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